whoever invented the library was a genius

The umass library kind of sucks in terms of popular adult fiction, but today wandered into the juvenile section looking for Harry Potter books. They only had one :( BUT then I found Ella Enchanted, and also The Wanderer and Ruby Holler, three of my most favorite books when I was little. So exciting! I borrowed all of them and I'm going to read them all and maybe study a little in between.

yesterday i was walking down the hall to my room when i heard this guy say, if you really believed that heaven and hell are real and eternal, why wouldn't you spend every waking moment trying to convert people?

isn't that so true? for me, the biggest reason i downplay my faith is because i don't want people to think i'm weird or some kind of religious fanatic. so irrational and so irrelevant but it's hard to let go of that idea. evangelizing and explaining my faith with words are two things i am horrible at. when people ask questions about christianity and why god does this or why this happens, i never know what to say. the only question i know the answer to is why god lets us have freewill. obviously this isn't very effective, but today jenny lent me some books so hopefully i can learn a lot about why my faith makes sense and how to be more vocal.

school is almost over D:

i think i like it here. but i'm not sure if i want to stay because i really do like it or because i know i will be super bored this summer. i heard back from the last job i applied to, and i didn't get an interview :( it would be ok if my siblings were home all summer at least, because then at least i can get annoyed at my brother's guitar playing or make my sister play singstar with me, but they're working at camp all summer. fun for them but not so fun for me.

but! over the next few weeks i'm coming up with a to-do list, so at the end of the summer when i've done everything on the list i'll feel better about not having a job. so far i have:

- learn to cook. i kind of did over winter break, but i didn't cook any meat so my diet was very unbalanced. so this summer my goal will be to touch raw meat at least twice a week. ew. also pasta and tomato sauce doesn't count as cooking, and i need to learn at least 7 new things that would count as dinner

- learn to cook in time to make lunch for my siblings to bring to school :)

- help dave wang with his diet/exercise plan....even though he doesn't need it.

- plan a road trip to the weirdest places in new england with the wangs and maybe the suns

- no spending money unless it's on a business suit. and maybe going to boston sometimes.

- mow the lawn even if i don't get paid for it. working off freshman 15 or however much i gained. i don't weigh myself ever so i don't know

- remember to apply for jobs for the fall

that's all i can think of for now!

i want to be so much more than this

this weekend is supposed to be good, and so far it is so i'm not sure why i'm disappointed. i listened to everyone today and i had a lot of fun and i laughed and i cried but at the same time it felt empty. it's selfish to make a farewell night about myself but i did. i cried over lost opportunities and regrets and wondered why i've never felt so close to anyone like everyone who spoke does to the graduating class. i'm glad everyone felt so loved, i'm glad they shared so many memories, but what about me? i've never had the blessing or the opportunity of someone taking care of me, or putting me under their wing or whatever, and tonight i was so jealous. SO jealous. maybe i'm just incapable of loving and giving back, or i'm just unloveable, or maybe (hopefully) god has someone freaking amazing in store for me to make up for 19 years of lost time.