Today I got really angry over something that happened last semester. This is why I need to stop internalizing my feelings.

Finals week is always really boring for me. I never know what to do with myself! Tonight I am going to lie on my bed, listen to my senior year playlist, and maybe watch some tv. And take facebook quizzes!!

Without fail, every Sunday I come back to my room feeling the loneliest I feel all week.

Even though I think my communications teacher is an atheist, the more lectures I watch, the more I see the evil and depravity in consumerism and consumption, and the more I am convinced that God is real and that he never meant for us to live this way. Too bad I bought a hundred dollar pair of pants for my sister this week and I'm thinking about buying another pair for myself. It is baffling how well I understand the unhealthiness of my dependence on shopping, yet I still do it. I buy things and at checkout say to myself, I know this won't make me happy for a long time, but at least I'll be happy for a few days, or maybe even a week, because not much else makes me happy anymore.

I can't wait until winter break, when I can lie in my bed all day and just read or watch movies. My life right now isn't even that busy, but I'm at the kind of tired where extra hours of sleep won't help and I need some kind of productive nothingness.

My church friends might come visit me next semester :) I'm really looking forward to it because I miss everyone. Whenever I spend time with them I feel this burden lift off of me; I don't have to care about what comes out of my mouth or be reserved and second guess everything I do.

Today I was thinking and realized that though I may strongly dislike someone, there are OTHER people who love that person. Not sure why that is strange to me.

I am thankful for my family and my friends at my home church. At school I don't talk much, and when I come home it shows because I always start losing my voice after. I want all my friends to come to umasssss :)))) but sometimes I feel selfish because I know they can aim so much higher. But they should still come. Because it is cheap.

I didn't get the internship at Deloitte. But...I have an interview with PWC! and maybe E&Y.

Last night I dreamed that everything that's been making my head spin for the past month was suddenly fixed with just two little emails. I remember being really happy when I read those emails in my dream. I woke up feeling better, but then realized nothing was real.

and here I sit where disappointment and regret collide

I don't open up easily, don't readily give up my heart or put that much hope into one person. I did for the second time in my life and..I got no response. I am confused; I thought we got along well. I'd rather have it turn out badly than be stuck here not knowing what they're thinking.