I want to be less solitary but I don't know how. I've never been the kind of girl with a lot of other girl friends - most of my friends are guys. I don't even talk to any girls on a consistent basis except for Debbie..but then again we only talk about school.

For Lent I am giving up online shopping and adding read the Bible every day (including Sundays!! I never read on Sundays). And being less solitary, but that is more of a general life goal.

this is not my month

I didn't even get an interview. I've never been rejected before even having an INTERVIEW. Job and internship applications are soo much more stressful than college, because with college apps they really couldn't judge me as a person. So it's not personal. But with all these internships, I've met many of these recruiters multiple times. And at all of these meetings, they always say that accounting is a commodity market - all of the firms do the same thing, but it's the people who make the companies different. So they are judging me. And it hurts.

I'm not the person you call when you're bored and want to have fun, but the weird thing is that I used to be. Dan used to ask me when our next party was almost every week. And now that I am in college, I sit in my room all day and watch old episodes of Lost.

time to go home.

I have weekends like this every month, where I just get really sad and all I want to do is go home. Even after three semesters here I don't fit in, and I don't know how. I have friends, but they're geographically close, here, not emotionally close. It feels like I'm their friend because I'm here, I'm convenient, but when we graduate we'll all move on and we won't matter to each other anymore. I miss my friends at home, I miss my sister and Dave and Ange and Dan and Patrick and Spencer.

I always believed that my life would begin when I finally got married, but there is a long way until then. But if I can't make friends..then how will I get married?! Sad.

This is one of those things where I should just depend on God right? This is a lesson about the futility of man and how hopeless it is to rely on other people, how God is the only one who is always there. But I don't know how to go deeper with this relationship with him, which is what accountability and mentoring is for, which I don't have. Stupid cycle.

You're holding out for something big to happen
All you really need are my arms to be wrapped in
You know that, but you refuse to admit that I am the only one that you're lacking
What happened to the passion? You're lazy
Letting all the stupid things drive you crazy
I told you, I am everything you're ever gonna need
So please let go of it all,
You see the pain that I felt for you then?
The gift you received with your every single "amen?
It's been a few days, months, or years since the last time I took away your tears, your fears
I miss you...well did you know that?
I paid the price so you never gotta look back
All I want is to love and be loved in return.