Since I've met this one boy, I've changed a lot. In ways both good and bad, but mostly bad. Last semester I thought I was over it, but clearly it was only because I was here and he was there, because this summer I definitely did not make good decisions.

I wish I had someone who would berate me when I've done something wrong. Or maybe I do have someone like that, and I'm just too ashamed to say things I really should be saying out loud.

glad to be back?

Today Youngsun asked me if I still hated UMass. This year has been a lot better by far, but having it in comparison to last year makes me sad. I'm SO glad Shuyue's having a lot of fun meeting everyone because I didn't want her first semester experience to be anything like mine - I spent most of it playing omgpop and talking to old high school friends on aim. I'm jealous of her position, coming to college already knowing someone.

Ok, so maybe it isn't really all that bad here. I get seven hours of sleep a night and 12 hours of free time in the day, four of which are usually spent napping. The problem is that there is NOTHING to do with all this time, unless you enjoy flirting with boys or tanning on the beach. And I don't like most of the people here. They're lazy (even though they're paid to work?) and incredibly shallow. There are some nice ones though.

I'm here for another week. But tomorrow my mom is coming to pick up my siblings and give me books and SNACKS.

I have way too much free time here. These are the things I have realized while sitting on my bed doing sudoku:

My sister loves this place more than she loves our family. From the way she treats me here, you wouldn't be able to tell we're sisters, except for the fact that we look alike. When she grows up, she wants to move here permanently and be a Nelson (aka be tall, blonde, and Norwegian) and have tall blonde Norwegian cousins who also live here year-round. Sad, right? She loves these strangers more than she loves her own family. I'm never buying her clothes again. I go to the mall and buy things for myself, and I end up giving them to her because she likes them and I love her but I guess she doesn't love me with the same magnitude. Thinking about this makes me incredibly sad.

I don't want to study abroad anymore. If I'm this depressed and unwilling to make friends in NEW HAMPSHIRE where everyone speaks English, how much harder will it be to be happy and friendly in like, Hong Kong or Jordan or the UK?

Davis hurts me so easily with such simple comments, and he doesn't even realize it. I shouldn't be so attached to him. We shouldn't even be friends but it's too hard thinking about that.

Do Kill or Marry is an EVIL game.

Not to be whiny or anything, but working at camp sucks. I didn't even bring the right clothes because I thought they would put me on waitstaff. But I'm on housekeeping and now I make beds and clean toilets instead of serving people food and coffee. I found poop on the floor of the boy's bathroom today. POOP. How is that possible? Also my siblings ignore me here and the other girls in my cabin are very....immature. Our nights are filled with screeching and facials and fort-building and boy drama (they all date very indiscriminately here, strange for a Christian camp). I don't understand the appeal of this place, or why my siblings look forward to it every year, or why people actually BAWL when they leave. I've never wanted to go home and lie in bed so badly.