i want to be so much more than this

this weekend is supposed to be good, and so far it is so i'm not sure why i'm disappointed. i listened to everyone today and i had a lot of fun and i laughed and i cried but at the same time it felt empty. it's selfish to make a farewell night about myself but i did. i cried over lost opportunities and regrets and wondered why i've never felt so close to anyone like everyone who spoke does to the graduating class. i'm glad everyone felt so loved, i'm glad they shared so many memories, but what about me? i've never had the blessing or the opportunity of someone taking care of me, or putting me under their wing or whatever, and tonight i was so jealous. SO jealous. maybe i'm just incapable of loving and giving back, or i'm just unloveable, or maybe (hopefully) god has someone freaking amazing in store for me to make up for 19 years of lost time.