identity

There are so many days at my home church where I feel woefully inadequate. I don't know why I feel so intimidated by empower (our college fellowship), but I can never contribute to these group discussions in any way. I know I can; I think I've contributed a fair amount through student leadership at church during high school, and maybe I've even contributed a tiny bit to AKC. But I never know what to say or even DO in empower.

I'm a very different person at college than I am at home, but still exactly the same. At school I can say whatever I want with people I'm not close to, but absolutely nothing to people who try to care about me. At home I say whatever I want to my family and a few friends, but absolutely nothing to people I desperately want to care about me.

I need to hear everyone speak. And then I need at least half an hour before I can finally get my thoughts together to form a coherent sentence. I need to think faster. I need to feel more comfortable at church (isn't that where I should feel the most accepted?).

I need to stop playing games.

How are my good morals and sympathy and contributions any different from a non-Christian's actions? They're not. I know what I'm missing but not how to obtain it.

Is it strange that I feel called to be a follower? Some people would say yes, because through Christ you can do anything so therefore I should stop being a baby and become a leader. Maybe I can be a "leader" in the background - I can organize, plan, assign responsibilities - but I can't lead a Bible study. I can't moderate a discussion. I can't see visions for empower. I can't even express my opinions because I DON'T HAVE ANY.

I've already learned so much this summer through empower and sitting alone in my room. I've been asking God for growth for four years - now I'm experiencing it and I hate it.

my dad says i should drive our old car because it's for my own good. if i just so happen to crash or anything, we'll end up with sky-high insurance rates. WHAT ABOUT MY SAFETY?? the old car is a piece of crap. anyway my dad is the one driving around getting 250 dollar tickets for speeding, so he is not one to talk about insurance rates.

i do not mind driving the old car that much, but my dad's illogical reasoning pisses me off. also, driving the new car saves us gas money, it gets twice the mpg. anyway that is not what i was planning to write about.

these past few months god has definitely taught and shown me a LOT about earning and handling money. at akc retreat one of the biggest things i remember was thomas kim telling us to look at our bank and credit card statements - if someone saw those, would they be able to tell that i'm a christian? they definitely wouldn't be able to, but they should be able to.

last weekend at empower retreat we read the passage about the rich man asking jesus what else he could do to enter the kingdom of heaven, and how jesus told him to sell all his possessions and to follow him. how universal is this lesson? of course i can't physically follow jesus around now, but how well-off should i be? jeff asked, even if you're giving both money and time (not out of duty, but out of heart-felt sincerity and concern and etc), is it wrong to be wealthy? josh told us how francis chan still only has a yearly salary around 50,000 even though he has three kids and his church collects millions a year in tithes and offerings. after coming back from africa, he sold his house and moved his family into a smaller one because he couldn't stand living beyond what was necessary.

i need to cut back on spending, that is for sure.

but even beyond just buying unnecessary clothing or food or whatever, does this apply to (should it apply to?) things like houses and cars? economically it makes the most sense to buy a house as soon as possible rather than rent. but so much money goes into maintenance and upkeep of a house - wouldn't it be better spent elsewhere? i'm inclined to say no. but it is a fine line obviously. living in a house isn't evil. i always come out of these empower discussions more confused.

i did not accomplish any of my goals this past week.

retreat this weekend was good maybe kinda. to be honest, i can't really remember anything from the talks/discussions, except the one about college, and when we talked about idols. comfort is my idol. i like cozy blankets, comfort food, not exercising, lying on my bed, not going outside, sitting on soft sofas, comfy clothes, avoiding emotional pain, not talking to new people, etc. i am VERY reluctant to stop idolizing because that would be uncomfortable.

something i want every time i go on retreat is a nice long talk, but this inevitably never happens. i have problems opening up to people, and unfortunately, i like spending time alone. i think i spent more time working on the majestic moose puzzle we found in the closet than talking to people. i even worked on it while we were playing mafia, but everyone thought it was a clever trick to make myself seem disinterested in the game and therefore not mafia, because that round i really WAS mafia. too bad i just really wanted to finish the puzzle.

today i went to the sun's house because their mom is really stressed over their move to california, so my mom volunteered me to help pack/clean. mrs sun wasn't home when i went though, and it was awkward because the sons didn't know i was even coming. all i did was scrub their kitchen island and put wood oil on some shelves, but apparently everyone works harder when i'm there. GOTTA IMPRESS THE LADIES. she wants me to come again tomorrow.

hiiigh hopes, high apple pie in the sky hopes

Around this time last year, Damon told me I'm the type of person who would thrive at college. After a whole year away, I can finally ask myself: am I thriving??

I haven't changed - I feel exactly the same.
I haven't grown (physically, mentally, or spiritually - but maybe emotionally).
I haven't had more fun than i had in high school.

So no, I'm not thriving. But maybe it takes more than one year.

I looked up my old friends from the smart-kid camp I went to in 7th and 8th grade, and they are ALL at Harvard. Or MIT. Weird, that I used to be destined for similar greatness. I don't think I was ever smart/hard-working/competitive enough to make it though. I'm content with being mediocre. How horrible!

Two years ago Becca told me I should stop playing those games that LYF girls play. I disagreed with her - when did I EVER play all those church games, flirting through giving boys spiritual advice, caring about what people thought, whatever? But today I realized I PLAY GAMES. I don't do it the way everyone else does, but I do it. What a terrible revelation.

I can't wait until my internship starts. I think too much in this room.

beautiful wedding!

YAYYY

Anthropologie offered me an internship! I'm excited. It's unpaid (although I do get school credit for it) and for some reason I don't start for another three weeks but I don't care because I HAVE A JOB.