There are so many days at my home church where I feel woefully inadequate. I don't know why I feel so intimidated by empower (our college fellowship), but I can never contribute to these group discussions in any way. I know I can; I think I've contributed a fair amount through student leadership at church during high school, and maybe I've even contributed a tiny bit to AKC. But I never know what to say or even DO in empower.
I'm a very different person at college than I am at home, but still exactly the same. At school I can say whatever I want with people I'm not close to, but absolutely nothing to people who try to care about me. At home I say whatever I want to my family and a few friends, but absolutely nothing to people I desperately want to care about me.
I need to hear everyone speak. And then I need at least half an hour before I can finally get my thoughts together to form a coherent sentence. I need to think faster. I need to feel more comfortable at church (isn't that where I should feel the most accepted?).
I need to stop playing games.
How are my good morals and sympathy and contributions any different from a non-Christian's actions? They're not. I know what I'm missing but not how to obtain it.
Is it strange that I feel called to be a follower? Some people would say yes, because through Christ you can do anything so therefore I should stop being a baby and become a leader. Maybe I can be a "leader" in the background - I can organize, plan, assign responsibilities - but I can't lead a Bible study. I can't moderate a discussion. I can't see visions for empower. I can't even express my opinions because I DON'T HAVE ANY.
I've already learned so much this summer through empower and sitting alone in my room. I've been asking God for growth for four years - now I'm experiencing it and I hate it.
:) I love reading your blogs Salina, I don't know if I told you this before, but I feel like we're two totally different people but have so much in common. (weird.)
ReplyDeleteI think God has precisely given each individual a different amount of talents and abilities. Organizing and planning are really good qualities to have! :) Not everyone is cut out for every single talent. But you should strive in your God-given talents. bytheway, I give props to behind-the-scenes people because they don't get credited most of the time (only by God). and I know they do it because it's something that they love.
(my comment is all over the place, I know, but I just had random stuff to say :D)
p.s. nice playing blockles with you last night HAHAHA