All of this stuff keeps happening (or not happening..) and I know I'm supposed to "trust" God, but how do I do that? What does that even mean? And how is it any different from optimistic atheists or good people who believe in karma?

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”
-Dr. Suess

Officially declined from my final accounting thing. Kind of depressed but..at least now I don't have to worry about interviews.

this might not be my week but i'm gonna make it my year

It doesn't make sense to be angry about what's already happened. I just have to accept that this is God's plan for me, it's different from what I had imagined, and I need to trust Him and move on. I need to stop dwelling on people and things that make me unhappy (especially people!!) and learn how to have fun.

I'm not working at camp this summer. Over spring break I'm going to apply for jobs at the mall or in town, and if those don't work out then I'm going to try to volunteer for Habitat for Humanity every day. And I think I'll apply to their overseas programs. But first I have to ask my mom. And if I do volunteer for Habitat, I need to work out more. Guess who's going to the gym more often?!? Hehe. More often means once a week..and. Probably only because Mike and Kevin can give me a ride there in the mornings >:)

judged, again

Declined from another interview today :(

WHY??! Whenever I talk to the career center people, or a recruiter sees my resume, they always go ooo impressive gpa, good extracurriculars, blahblahablhaahadsf excellent but what is the point of building me up when they'll just tear me back down?

I don't understand where God is taking me and it is really hard to trust right now. But maybe because I don't trust in him when it comes to schoolwork in the first place, only myself.

camp or no camp

Camp pros:
Guaranteed a job right now.
They all date very indiscriminately there. Easy to find a boyfriend who is hot, tall, blond, and jacked (basically every guy there).
Working food service. Maybe I'll learn to cook.

Camp cons:
They all date very indiscriminately there.
Working food service. Early shifts and long hours.
Sub-par shower and bathroom facilities for staff.
Don't think I'd grow much spiritually.
Little pay, and I'd have to raise support.
I don't know anyone, and they've all been friends since elementary school.

There are way more cons than pros, but I think Guaranteed a Job Right Now probably counts as like, 5 pros.

decisions decisions

I applied for four accounting things and I've already been rejected from two of them. Today I checked my mailbox and I got an offer to work at camp in food service. The thing is..I don't even remember putting down food service as a choice. It was nursery, precampers, wait staff, or food prep. I am SURE. Also..I didn't know they were mailing it to my dorm so I haven't checked my box for like, three weeks, and now I only have four days to decide if I wanna work there over the summer. Actually. Two. Because it takes two days to mail in the contract.

Now that I have to decide..I don't really want to work there. Maybe at anthro again! Or maybe urban. But I can't because they only accept applications in store, I'm not going home until March, and I really can't decline the camp offer unless I have something else definite.

God has been showing me stuff lately. I can't verbalize or identify it yet. But I know it is important.

I want to be less solitary but I don't know how. I've never been the kind of girl with a lot of other girl friends - most of my friends are guys. I don't even talk to any girls on a consistent basis except for Debbie..but then again we only talk about school.

For Lent I am giving up online shopping and adding read the Bible every day (including Sundays!! I never read on Sundays). And being less solitary, but that is more of a general life goal.

this is not my month

I didn't even get an interview. I've never been rejected before even having an INTERVIEW. Job and internship applications are soo much more stressful than college, because with college apps they really couldn't judge me as a person. So it's not personal. But with all these internships, I've met many of these recruiters multiple times. And at all of these meetings, they always say that accounting is a commodity market - all of the firms do the same thing, but it's the people who make the companies different. So they are judging me. And it hurts.

I'm not the person you call when you're bored and want to have fun, but the weird thing is that I used to be. Dan used to ask me when our next party was almost every week. And now that I am in college, I sit in my room all day and watch old episodes of Lost.

time to go home.

I have weekends like this every month, where I just get really sad and all I want to do is go home. Even after three semesters here I don't fit in, and I don't know how. I have friends, but they're geographically close, here, not emotionally close. It feels like I'm their friend because I'm here, I'm convenient, but when we graduate we'll all move on and we won't matter to each other anymore. I miss my friends at home, I miss my sister and Dave and Ange and Dan and Patrick and Spencer.

I always believed that my life would begin when I finally got married, but there is a long way until then. But if I can't make friends..then how will I get married?! Sad.

This is one of those things where I should just depend on God right? This is a lesson about the futility of man and how hopeless it is to rely on other people, how God is the only one who is always there. But I don't know how to go deeper with this relationship with him, which is what accountability and mentoring is for, which I don't have. Stupid cycle.

You're holding out for something big to happen
All you really need are my arms to be wrapped in
You know that, but you refuse to admit that I am the only one that you're lacking
What happened to the passion? You're lazy
Letting all the stupid things drive you crazy
I told you, I am everything you're ever gonna need
So please let go of it all,
You see the pain that I felt for you then?
The gift you received with your every single "amen?
It's been a few days, months, or years since the last time I took away your tears, your fears
I miss you...well did you know that?
I paid the price so you never gotta look back
All I want is to love and be loved in return.