I don't make your day the way you make mine. It is sad that I will give up shower time to talk to you, that I would give up studying abroad to be here. SAD I TELL YOU.

The past two nights, the girls next door have watched Pocahontas. Normally I'm pretty annoyed when I have to go to bed listening to movie sounds, but since it is Disney songs it is ok :)

Now that I have dropped two of my accounting classes, I never want to go back. Please God let me fall in love with environmental design...otherwise I will have no major.

What am I doing with my life? I wish I didn't have to trade off responsibilities toward school with having fun.

I'm thinking about switching majors from accounting to environmental design. Actually. I am almost 100% sure I'm gonna do it, except that I haven't even taken any enviro design classes yet. My friend told me yesterday that I should really consider dropping accounting, I guess because I keep talking about what I would do if I weren't a business major. So today I dropped two of my fall 2010 accounting classes and added design classes instead. Maybe that was a dumb move. OH WELL. The thought of no more accounting or recruiters makes me incredibly happy.

I think I have anger management problems. I don't blow up, but internalizing might be just as bad.

“Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren’t.”

—	Margret Thatcher

I just want someone who loves me more than I can love myself.

Probably not that hard to find right now.

Sometimes I just feel fat and inadequate.

rewritten

Sometimes I sit back, think, and it feels like my life as I know it is falling apart. Luckily, D's life is falling apart in the exact same way so. At least I have someone to empathize with.

Just kidding, I have no idea whether he thinks his life is falling apart too.

Just kidding, my life is definitely not falling apart. I might be getting promoted. I'm still in school. I'm not pregnant. I'm not an alcoholic. I eat more than enough at dc everyday. I just need to put things back into perspective and realize how excellent my life really is.

I am definitely changing a lot though. There is something I am considering doing that I would NOT have considered even at the beginning of this semester. Strange how people and circumstances can become so different in such a short amount of time.

How can I date or even contemplate liking someone when I know that I can't? Maybe I could be a good girlfriend, one who isn't jealous or paranoid, but I know for sure that it would take away and distract from my already not so strong relationship with God. It is not ok that I can spend so much time and energy thinking and stressing about this boy when I struggle with reading even two chapters in the Bible a day, or when I fall asleep not even halfway during my nightly prayers. We are not dating. And I doubt we ever will. This is the real reason I need to stop listening to We Belong Together. Because we DON'T. God must come first.

On a happier note..my brother is going to college! He's going to visit in two weekends. So proud of him! He has come a long way from wanting to graduate high school and then just forming a band. Well he still wants to form a band..but he has realized that getting a degree in business would probably be helpful. Also, five of the senior guys from my home church are coming to visit and go to open house this Friday. One is coming because he wants to skip school...but the other four are coming because they might actually go to school here!!! Yayyy :) Super excited.

As much as I would like a significant other..it's hard to imagine someone loving me considering how flawed I am, what kind of a girlfriend I would/could be. If he knew how manipulative I sometimes am, how sinful, he would not love me. This is why I am drawn to f-ed up boys. Although in reality I really would rather date someone who is better than me, who can teach me, watch out for me, protect me.

He (the unknown one in the future) will make me a better person. But right now I am not sure I know anyone I want to be better for.

Sometimes I think about what it would be like to have cancer. I think about who would be there for me, who would tell me they love me, who would visit and buy me cake and talk to me while I'm lying there.

Stupid. Cancer is nothing to dream about. My grandpa was diagnosed with lung cancer and died within three weeks. I don't know how my brain does this.

I don't believe in the one. The same way I don't believe that I'm destined to be a doctor, and that if I don't become a doctor my life is ruined and God's plan won't work. There are people I'm more compatible with and people that I don't like so much, but all I gotta do is find someone I like more than I like most people and work at it until it works

But. It would be SO. NICE. if there was a one. Or if God could just point him out to me right now so I wouldn't have to go through all of this.

All in God's plan.

As if you could kill time without injuring eternity

- Henry Thoreau


The past four days went the way I always imagined college would - beautiful weather, lying in the quad with friends, cheering for performances, eating, watching movies, getting enough sleep (except ideally I would have done some homework too..)


So far college has never lived up to the expectations I had in high school. I always felt neglected freshman year but hopefully it will get better and better as each semester passes. Until I am finally a senior and  reluctant to leave for the real world.

The longer I wait for the future, the shorter it will be.

If I wasn't such a jealous person I could be a better friend.

Can you lose your place in heaven?

Something I've been struggling with is where this personal relationship stuff with God comes in. Maybe this is a stupid question but..I thought you were saved when you believe that Jesus died for your sins and that repentance is the only way toward heaven and redemption. And then you actually repent. That's what makes Christians different from demons; even demons know that Jesus died on the cross, but they don't repent for what they've done. So..I understand the striving to become a better person, because that's becoming more like God since we were made in his image. People say, write, and I read that without a personal relationship with God, there is no spot in heaven for you. But...I don't understand. I DO believe that Jesus died for my sins and that I have to repent. So where does this relationship stuff factor in? Is it like...another step on the way toward going to heaven? Or is it not enough to simply believe and repent, you have to do all these other things too? But isn't that doing works to get into heaven? Can someone explain this to me. Or tell me where I can read and find out more. TY.