Sometimes it freaks me out how similar my thoughts are to Jess Feng's, because we really are not alike in any other way. But she wrote on her blog about how things change but really they are the same, and that is really so true. Conan gave me all these old old AKC pictures, and every time I look through them it makes me kind of sad. These pictures meant something to those people, but they don't mean a single thing to me. That is probably how most people feel when they look at my online photo albums. Or this blog. It makes me feel insignificant.

She ALSO wrote about failing at finding God everyday, and maybe it is because she doesn't care, but maybe it is because she really does care deep down but it is soooo deep down that she can't find it. How can she perfectly articulate something I've been wanting to say for years and years?? It is crazy!

Today I got really angry over something that happened last semester. This is why I need to stop internalizing my feelings.

Finals week is always really boring for me. I never know what to do with myself! Tonight I am going to lie on my bed, listen to my senior year playlist, and maybe watch some tv. And take facebook quizzes!!

Without fail, every Sunday I come back to my room feeling the loneliest I feel all week.

Even though I think my communications teacher is an atheist, the more lectures I watch, the more I see the evil and depravity in consumerism and consumption, and the more I am convinced that God is real and that he never meant for us to live this way. Too bad I bought a hundred dollar pair of pants for my sister this week and I'm thinking about buying another pair for myself. It is baffling how well I understand the unhealthiness of my dependence on shopping, yet I still do it. I buy things and at checkout say to myself, I know this won't make me happy for a long time, but at least I'll be happy for a few days, or maybe even a week, because not much else makes me happy anymore.

I can't wait until winter break, when I can lie in my bed all day and just read or watch movies. My life right now isn't even that busy, but I'm at the kind of tired where extra hours of sleep won't help and I need some kind of productive nothingness.

My church friends might come visit me next semester :) I'm really looking forward to it because I miss everyone. Whenever I spend time with them I feel this burden lift off of me; I don't have to care about what comes out of my mouth or be reserved and second guess everything I do.

Today I was thinking and realized that though I may strongly dislike someone, there are OTHER people who love that person. Not sure why that is strange to me.

I am thankful for my family and my friends at my home church. At school I don't talk much, and when I come home it shows because I always start losing my voice after. I want all my friends to come to umasssss :)))) but sometimes I feel selfish because I know they can aim so much higher. But they should still come. Because it is cheap.

I didn't get the internship at Deloitte. But...I have an interview with PWC! and maybe E&Y.

Last night I dreamed that everything that's been making my head spin for the past month was suddenly fixed with just two little emails. I remember being really happy when I read those emails in my dream. I woke up feeling better, but then realized nothing was real.

and here I sit where disappointment and regret collide

I don't open up easily, don't readily give up my heart or put that much hope into one person. I did for the second time in my life and..I got no response. I am confused; I thought we got along well. I'd rather have it turn out badly than be stuck here not knowing what they're thinking.

I wish people could just talk to each other. What is all this ambiguity?

DTR TIME!

Just kidding.

I changed this past weekend and I can't figure out why or how. I wish I could talk to someone about this guy without getting oOOOooOO or wiggly eyebrows as a response.

Proust Questionnaire

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Finding that person.

What is your greatest fear?
That I'll be forgotten - not in terms of my lasting impact on the world, but being forgotten in the here and now. How much worse would that be?

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Shyness.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Hypocrisy.

Which living person do you most admire?
I honestly don't know.

What is your greatest extravagance?
Pictures.

What is your current state of mind?
Tired and heartsick, but the heartsick might just be hormones.

What do you consider the most overrated quality in a person?
Niceness. Anyone can be nice.

On what occasion do you lie?
Almost whenever we talk about men.

What do you most dislike about your appearance?
I have fat calves disproportionate to my thighs.

Which living person do you most despise?
I only dislike, never despise.

What is the quality you most like in a man?
Sincerity.

What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Sincerity.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
Should, I.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
Tough, but also probably the internet.

When and where were you happiest?
Most recently, in the fields at Camp Sentinel last weekend with my sister. I left my camera at home though, so I can't even look at pictures to cheer myself up.

Which talent would you most like to have?
The ability to make friends and acquaintances quickly.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
More assertive.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Making it this far.

If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be?
A dolphin.

Where would you most like to live?
NEW YORK, London, Seattle, Guam

What is your most treasured possession?
Pictures, letters, notes, and certain memories.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Physical pain.

What is your favorite occupation?
Talking to my church friends, preferably in real life and not over the internet.

What is your most marked characteristic?
My bluntness in words.

What do you most value in your friends?
People who listen, who genuinely want to know how my day was.

Who are your favorite writers?
C.S. Lewis, Sarah Dessen, no one else really.

Who is your hero of fiction?
Jessica Darling.

Which historical figure do you most identify with?
Anyone relatively normal I guess.

Who are your heroes in real life?
Christine Cho (hehe), some people in Empower.

What are your favorite names?
Lily and Daniel.

What is it that you most dislike?
Wastefulness.

What is your greatest regret?
Being friends with Davis.

How would you like to die?
In my sleep, satisfied.

What is your motto? 

 “You’re gonna notice me when I come in. I’m gonna make a statement without opening my mouth, and when I leave, you’re gonna remember that.”- Busta Rhymes. I'd like to think I have that kind of influence on people but I most likely don't.

Sometimes I think college is not amazing for me because I'm destined to peak later in the future...I always feel sorry for people who look back on high school, miss it, and think that it was the time of their lives. As if the rest of their lives will only go downhill after that!

The danger of this belief is that I'm not good at forming deep relationships. I truly believe that I'll finally feel fulfilled (or as fulfilled as I can be on earth) when I'm married and have kids and a best friend. Right now I'm just waiting for my future husband.

OK, I admit it. I just want a boyfriend. Hopefully only one, because I'll get married to him.

I don't date for fun, but even counselors at church have told me I should try it. I guess I'm too uptight. Sorry, I only date for keeps? That was my policy for most of my life and I NEVER thought about dating for fun, but maybe that's only because I've never gotten close enough to any boy and wanted to date him at the same time. There's some people I think are interesting but I don't know them well enough to say anything for sure. Story of my life.

Since I've met this one boy, I've changed a lot. In ways both good and bad, but mostly bad. Last semester I thought I was over it, but clearly it was only because I was here and he was there, because this summer I definitely did not make good decisions.

I wish I had someone who would berate me when I've done something wrong. Or maybe I do have someone like that, and I'm just too ashamed to say things I really should be saying out loud.

glad to be back?

Today Youngsun asked me if I still hated UMass. This year has been a lot better by far, but having it in comparison to last year makes me sad. I'm SO glad Shuyue's having a lot of fun meeting everyone because I didn't want her first semester experience to be anything like mine - I spent most of it playing omgpop and talking to old high school friends on aim. I'm jealous of her position, coming to college already knowing someone.

Ok, so maybe it isn't really all that bad here. I get seven hours of sleep a night and 12 hours of free time in the day, four of which are usually spent napping. The problem is that there is NOTHING to do with all this time, unless you enjoy flirting with boys or tanning on the beach. And I don't like most of the people here. They're lazy (even though they're paid to work?) and incredibly shallow. There are some nice ones though.

I'm here for another week. But tomorrow my mom is coming to pick up my siblings and give me books and SNACKS.

I have way too much free time here. These are the things I have realized while sitting on my bed doing sudoku:

My sister loves this place more than she loves our family. From the way she treats me here, you wouldn't be able to tell we're sisters, except for the fact that we look alike. When she grows up, she wants to move here permanently and be a Nelson (aka be tall, blonde, and Norwegian) and have tall blonde Norwegian cousins who also live here year-round. Sad, right? She loves these strangers more than she loves her own family. I'm never buying her clothes again. I go to the mall and buy things for myself, and I end up giving them to her because she likes them and I love her but I guess she doesn't love me with the same magnitude. Thinking about this makes me incredibly sad.

I don't want to study abroad anymore. If I'm this depressed and unwilling to make friends in NEW HAMPSHIRE where everyone speaks English, how much harder will it be to be happy and friendly in like, Hong Kong or Jordan or the UK?

Davis hurts me so easily with such simple comments, and he doesn't even realize it. I shouldn't be so attached to him. We shouldn't even be friends but it's too hard thinking about that.

Do Kill or Marry is an EVIL game.

Not to be whiny or anything, but working at camp sucks. I didn't even bring the right clothes because I thought they would put me on waitstaff. But I'm on housekeeping and now I make beds and clean toilets instead of serving people food and coffee. I found poop on the floor of the boy's bathroom today. POOP. How is that possible? Also my siblings ignore me here and the other girls in my cabin are very....immature. Our nights are filled with screeching and facials and fort-building and boy drama (they all date very indiscriminately here, strange for a Christian camp). I don't understand the appeal of this place, or why my siblings look forward to it every year, or why people actually BAWL when they leave. I've never wanted to go home and lie in bed so badly.

BEST WEEKEND EVERRR

Seriously, I can't remember the last time I had this much fun in the span of 72 hours. I hate when people blog about absolutely everything they did but....I'M GONNA DO IT. I must document everything so when I'm old and decrepit at least I will have this memory. Feel free to not read.

Friday I slept in. At church I helped Dave improve his flirting skills by practicing the 50 flirting tips we found in seventeen magazine. I read the tips, he hit on random high schoolers that kept wandering in. I will miss that boy, so much fun! :))) Also we read articles on CODs (creepy older dudes), apparently we know some...hehheh. Hehhhhh. We also watched Nicholas Nicolby which is the best movie for spotting actors from other movies, like Captain von Trapp and Filch and Blair Waldorf look-alikes.

On Saturday I went to church picnic and swung/swang on some swings and then I got to hang out with DAVIS whom I haven't seen in over a year. I missed him a lot tooo, he's one of the very few people I miss from high school. I'm so glad we're still friends, because he's ditched basically everyone else. So I'm special. I felt bad, because he was bored at my house. My house is pretty boring.

Sunday! Can you believe they've never given a sex talk the entire time I've gone to this church? Today we had one and it was actually NOT awkward. It was all stuff I already knew, but at least it was a good reminder. I had a good long think about senior year, how I was so ready to compromise with this one person, and it scared me how easily I could have given in to temptation. Kind of depressing. But then I went out to eat with Dave Maggie and Patrick, three of my most favorite people in the world! On Wednesday we'll be separated until Thanksgiving at least. Sad thought. But that's what skype is for. I went to Eric's house and accompanied Josh's operatic endeavors on piano, then we went to the Willems' and they reminisced about their childhood escapades. That kind of made me sad too, because I have about ZERO good memories from elementary and junior high school. Of course I had fun then, but nothing really sticks out. I guess that is good, my life can peak at 40 instead of at 15 lol. I'm definitely still growing into whomever I'm going to be, and I'm glad :) And we played scattergories which is always awesome. A lot of people are leaving this Wednesday, and some of them aren't ever coming back. I am so glad this weekend happened. Why am I so blessed?? What did I do to deserve knowing such amazing people?

I got a job at camp!!! For the last two and a half weeks before school starts. Also I am DONE with my internship which is sad (because I lose my discount) but happy (because now I can hang out with people). a;lwue;oidaw eyayyyyy

the most ghetto anthropologie

Seriously. Everyday the other intern and I improvise our own tools. No paintbrushes? Ok, we'll use these sponge thingies. No cardboard cutters? Ok, we'll use these exacto knives. No paint/window scrapers? Ok, we'll make our own out of razor blades and putty knives (aka our very own prison shanks). I thought our backroom was like, the ultimate in supplies but maybe not!

There's a workshop at our store this week (meaning visual managers from other stores come in and install displays) and everything is sooo intense. I'll take pictures of everything when they're done. But I must say, these girls love their tools! They gushed over this one girl's power drill and its lightness and appealing color scheme at least 3 times today. They're pretty tough too. They're about my size (or smaller...) and can carry these 5x3 foot boards around by themselves like it's nothing. If I were an art major, working as visual manager at Anthropologie would be my dream job. No joke. I wouldn't mind doing this for the rest of my life I think.

this week i have:

mowed the lawn yet again. i thought it looked pretty good, but my dad didn't. i guess i'm not up to par yet...

visited the franklin park zoo. good thing admission was free! i wouldn't pay 5 bucks to go there. they had maybe 10 different species total, and the giraffes weren't out :( plus the weather was not great.

gone to ogunquit beach. it took three times longer to get there than it did to get back, but it's really pretty there! and i had a lot of fun (at least for the first half). then they played settlers on the beach... those nerds. seriously.

received my nintendo dsi in the mail! so far i only have one game (professor layton and the curious village) and sudoku but it is sooooo fun. i can't believe i've been missing out on video games my entire life!

This is the worst way to end an otherwise good weekend. It also makes me realize that my life is pathetic if this is all I have to worry about.

today at work i got to use the cardboard compactor! basically you stuff cardboard into a slit into this gigantic metal thing, and then you press a green button and the machine eats it! next time i go on trash run i will bring my camera.

countdown: FIVE DAYS until my nintendo dsi arrives :)

Les Choristes - a movie I can watch over and over. Jean Baptiste Maunier is beautiful <3

The other day someone told me I should consider doing art, as a minor or even a major. WEIRD. I am not artsy.

since i last wrote, i have:
mown the lawn (NEVER AGAIN) and found a bug in my shirt after
learned how to use a leftie boxcutter, cut a billion pieces of cardboard apart
gone to the science museum and watched laser queen
had authentic taiwanese food
been called serena 6 times

identity

There are so many days at my home church where I feel woefully inadequate. I don't know why I feel so intimidated by empower (our college fellowship), but I can never contribute to these group discussions in any way. I know I can; I think I've contributed a fair amount through student leadership at church during high school, and maybe I've even contributed a tiny bit to AKC. But I never know what to say or even DO in empower.

I'm a very different person at college than I am at home, but still exactly the same. At school I can say whatever I want with people I'm not close to, but absolutely nothing to people who try to care about me. At home I say whatever I want to my family and a few friends, but absolutely nothing to people I desperately want to care about me.

I need to hear everyone speak. And then I need at least half an hour before I can finally get my thoughts together to form a coherent sentence. I need to think faster. I need to feel more comfortable at church (isn't that where I should feel the most accepted?).

I need to stop playing games.

How are my good morals and sympathy and contributions any different from a non-Christian's actions? They're not. I know what I'm missing but not how to obtain it.

Is it strange that I feel called to be a follower? Some people would say yes, because through Christ you can do anything so therefore I should stop being a baby and become a leader. Maybe I can be a "leader" in the background - I can organize, plan, assign responsibilities - but I can't lead a Bible study. I can't moderate a discussion. I can't see visions for empower. I can't even express my opinions because I DON'T HAVE ANY.

I've already learned so much this summer through empower and sitting alone in my room. I've been asking God for growth for four years - now I'm experiencing it and I hate it.

my dad says i should drive our old car because it's for my own good. if i just so happen to crash or anything, we'll end up with sky-high insurance rates. WHAT ABOUT MY SAFETY?? the old car is a piece of crap. anyway my dad is the one driving around getting 250 dollar tickets for speeding, so he is not one to talk about insurance rates.

i do not mind driving the old car that much, but my dad's illogical reasoning pisses me off. also, driving the new car saves us gas money, it gets twice the mpg. anyway that is not what i was planning to write about.

these past few months god has definitely taught and shown me a LOT about earning and handling money. at akc retreat one of the biggest things i remember was thomas kim telling us to look at our bank and credit card statements - if someone saw those, would they be able to tell that i'm a christian? they definitely wouldn't be able to, but they should be able to.

last weekend at empower retreat we read the passage about the rich man asking jesus what else he could do to enter the kingdom of heaven, and how jesus told him to sell all his possessions and to follow him. how universal is this lesson? of course i can't physically follow jesus around now, but how well-off should i be? jeff asked, even if you're giving both money and time (not out of duty, but out of heart-felt sincerity and concern and etc), is it wrong to be wealthy? josh told us how francis chan still only has a yearly salary around 50,000 even though he has three kids and his church collects millions a year in tithes and offerings. after coming back from africa, he sold his house and moved his family into a smaller one because he couldn't stand living beyond what was necessary.

i need to cut back on spending, that is for sure.

but even beyond just buying unnecessary clothing or food or whatever, does this apply to (should it apply to?) things like houses and cars? economically it makes the most sense to buy a house as soon as possible rather than rent. but so much money goes into maintenance and upkeep of a house - wouldn't it be better spent elsewhere? i'm inclined to say no. but it is a fine line obviously. living in a house isn't evil. i always come out of these empower discussions more confused.

i did not accomplish any of my goals this past week.

retreat this weekend was good maybe kinda. to be honest, i can't really remember anything from the talks/discussions, except the one about college, and when we talked about idols. comfort is my idol. i like cozy blankets, comfort food, not exercising, lying on my bed, not going outside, sitting on soft sofas, comfy clothes, avoiding emotional pain, not talking to new people, etc. i am VERY reluctant to stop idolizing because that would be uncomfortable.

something i want every time i go on retreat is a nice long talk, but this inevitably never happens. i have problems opening up to people, and unfortunately, i like spending time alone. i think i spent more time working on the majestic moose puzzle we found in the closet than talking to people. i even worked on it while we were playing mafia, but everyone thought it was a clever trick to make myself seem disinterested in the game and therefore not mafia, because that round i really WAS mafia. too bad i just really wanted to finish the puzzle.

today i went to the sun's house because their mom is really stressed over their move to california, so my mom volunteered me to help pack/clean. mrs sun wasn't home when i went though, and it was awkward because the sons didn't know i was even coming. all i did was scrub their kitchen island and put wood oil on some shelves, but apparently everyone works harder when i'm there. GOTTA IMPRESS THE LADIES. she wants me to come again tomorrow.

hiiigh hopes, high apple pie in the sky hopes

Around this time last year, Damon told me I'm the type of person who would thrive at college. After a whole year away, I can finally ask myself: am I thriving??

I haven't changed - I feel exactly the same.
I haven't grown (physically, mentally, or spiritually - but maybe emotionally).
I haven't had more fun than i had in high school.

So no, I'm not thriving. But maybe it takes more than one year.

I looked up my old friends from the smart-kid camp I went to in 7th and 8th grade, and they are ALL at Harvard. Or MIT. Weird, that I used to be destined for similar greatness. I don't think I was ever smart/hard-working/competitive enough to make it though. I'm content with being mediocre. How horrible!

Two years ago Becca told me I should stop playing those games that LYF girls play. I disagreed with her - when did I EVER play all those church games, flirting through giving boys spiritual advice, caring about what people thought, whatever? But today I realized I PLAY GAMES. I don't do it the way everyone else does, but I do it. What a terrible revelation.

I can't wait until my internship starts. I think too much in this room.

beautiful wedding!

YAYYY

Anthropologie offered me an internship! I'm excited. It's unpaid (although I do get school credit for it) and for some reason I don't start for another three weeks but I don't care because I HAVE A JOB.

one step at a time lollipop love in this club touch my body forever falsetto leaving

listening to old playlists is weird. jordin sparks, lil wayne, usher, mariah carey, chris brown, the dream. JESSE MCCARTNEY. it feels like senior year again. almost. i miss it.

NAHHHHT. as davis would say, but with 3 more A's, 7 more H's and more sincerity than i'm comfortable with. i don't miss high school, but i miss people and free periods and online enviro classes. maybe he feels the same way.

i applied for four jobs this past week - target, middlesex savings bank, anthropologie, and tjmaxx. i've already been rejected from the bank because they're not looking for seasonal workers. anthropologie is only looking for interns who can get school credit for doing what is basically arts and crafts to put in the store display. i don't want to work at target unless i'm hired at anthropologie as well - they're both 35 minutes away from my house, 2 minutes away from each other. tjmaxx is 5 minutes away.

this week i have:
made two friendship bracelets
colored
cooked macaroni for lunch
read three books
bought what my mom thinks is an overpriced shirt

if there is anything i learned in college, it is that i am not unique.

We used to talk every night, but now he'd rather smoke up instead. He prefers pot over me. I'M LESS INTERESTING THAN A PLANT.

This week I have:
COOKED STIR FRY
not formed an exercise plan
not planned a road trip
SAVED MONEY
not tiedyed
not had a haircut
not mown the lawn
not slept on a battleship
not played singstar
UNPACKED HALF MY STUFF
STARTED MY WINNIE THE POOH 1000-PIECE PUZZLE

Hopefully next week will be more productive. I'm going to Montreal tomorrow to visit my grandma!

“You’re gonna notice me when I come in. I’m gonna make a statement without opening my mouth, and when I leave, you’re gonna remember that.”

—	Busta Rhymes

whoever invented the library was a genius

The umass library kind of sucks in terms of popular adult fiction, but today wandered into the juvenile section looking for Harry Potter books. They only had one :( BUT then I found Ella Enchanted, and also The Wanderer and Ruby Holler, three of my most favorite books when I was little. So exciting! I borrowed all of them and I'm going to read them all and maybe study a little in between.

yesterday i was walking down the hall to my room when i heard this guy say, if you really believed that heaven and hell are real and eternal, why wouldn't you spend every waking moment trying to convert people?

isn't that so true? for me, the biggest reason i downplay my faith is because i don't want people to think i'm weird or some kind of religious fanatic. so irrational and so irrelevant but it's hard to let go of that idea. evangelizing and explaining my faith with words are two things i am horrible at. when people ask questions about christianity and why god does this or why this happens, i never know what to say. the only question i know the answer to is why god lets us have freewill. obviously this isn't very effective, but today jenny lent me some books so hopefully i can learn a lot about why my faith makes sense and how to be more vocal.

school is almost over D:

i think i like it here. but i'm not sure if i want to stay because i really do like it or because i know i will be super bored this summer. i heard back from the last job i applied to, and i didn't get an interview :( it would be ok if my siblings were home all summer at least, because then at least i can get annoyed at my brother's guitar playing or make my sister play singstar with me, but they're working at camp all summer. fun for them but not so fun for me.

but! over the next few weeks i'm coming up with a to-do list, so at the end of the summer when i've done everything on the list i'll feel better about not having a job. so far i have:

- learn to cook. i kind of did over winter break, but i didn't cook any meat so my diet was very unbalanced. so this summer my goal will be to touch raw meat at least twice a week. ew. also pasta and tomato sauce doesn't count as cooking, and i need to learn at least 7 new things that would count as dinner

- learn to cook in time to make lunch for my siblings to bring to school :)

- help dave wang with his diet/exercise plan....even though he doesn't need it.

- plan a road trip to the weirdest places in new england with the wangs and maybe the suns

- no spending money unless it's on a business suit. and maybe going to boston sometimes.

- mow the lawn even if i don't get paid for it. working off freshman 15 or however much i gained. i don't weigh myself ever so i don't know

- remember to apply for jobs for the fall

that's all i can think of for now!

i want to be so much more than this

this weekend is supposed to be good, and so far it is so i'm not sure why i'm disappointed. i listened to everyone today and i had a lot of fun and i laughed and i cried but at the same time it felt empty. it's selfish to make a farewell night about myself but i did. i cried over lost opportunities and regrets and wondered why i've never felt so close to anyone like everyone who spoke does to the graduating class. i'm glad everyone felt so loved, i'm glad they shared so many memories, but what about me? i've never had the blessing or the opportunity of someone taking care of me, or putting me under their wing or whatever, and tonight i was so jealous. SO jealous. maybe i'm just incapable of loving and giving back, or i'm just unloveable, or maybe (hopefully) god has someone freaking amazing in store for me to make up for 19 years of lost time.

i don't like disappointing people but sometimes that is what happens. it is a horrible feeling.

yesterday was relay for life which was alright. i talked to a lot of church people while walking around the track. i don't understand why it is so easy for me to talk to boys and so difficult to talk to girls. it used to be the opposite. but then i just ended up falling asleep and steve drove me back to my dorm cause it was freezing. i always feel like i miss out when i do stuff like that. but it felt really good to be in my own bed.

i was on the corner of amherst center yesterday after dinner, and all of a sudden i saw josh and jon driving by and they yelled SALINAAAAA and then drove away. they never tell me when they're in amherst, those losers. jk. we don't hang out so. whatever.

david corey was a one-hit wonder. the video is kind of irrelevant...i just like the song.

my favorite noise is when i empty the recycle bin on my laptop. fwoop! so cute.

"i'm a movement by myself, but i'm force when we're together"

I don't know any boy that I want to be better for. There used to be one, but I just ended up becoming more of a tool.

after a weekend of feeling invincible, i finally crashed last night. but then i felt better again this morning because i got into all the classes i wanted.

is it weird that only two weeks ago i wanted to go abroad so badly, and now all i want to do is stay? yes, it is weird.

testing testing!

i haven't had a real public blog in a long time. and i regret not documenting freshman year. so this is here for the month remaining!