loveundercover, my tumblr! I update there more often, but maybe I will still write here too.

Sometimes I don't mind being hit on because it means I'm worth SOMEONE'S attention, even if it's some random drunk guy who doesn't mean it.

Every time I listen to Empire State of Mind, I just want to live in New York SO BADLY. Or at least North Jersey, because that is close enough.

All my roommates are asleep because they have work at 6am tomorrow and I am super not tired, even though I worked for 8 hours today. Despite all the things we have done, talked about, and learned here, I can't think of anything specific or substantial to write.

Summer projects is the kind of thing I wish God hadn't put on my heart to participate in, but, he did! I HATE talking to strangers, meeting new people (especially 50 new people all at once!), coming to a place where the closest ethnic grocery is an hour away and I have no car. I don't like thinking about my faith or realizing that spiritually, I am a total baby and then crying over it in front of OTHER PEOPLE, but this happens over and over and over, every day.

It is weird being challenged. I am so used to life being easy.

Kakorrhaphiophobia

An abnormal fear of failure

Even though most of my posts here are depressing, I really am happy. Happier than I was in high school at least.

Today's big event was the discovery of cellulite on my upper thighs. It's not THAT bad, but up until today I thought this only happened to old fat people. I am finding out many new things, another being that my hair is STILL getting more damaged even with the use of products that protect against heat. I need to stop straightening my hair and stop picking at it. The good news is that I finally found my camera charger. It was in my camera bag side pocket the entire time. Lame!

I think I'm doing better than happy. Is satisfied better than happy?

Excellent day at work..I fell asleep, unjammed the printer, and answered a question from this really cute guy who smiled at me. Sadly I didn't know how to help him so I sent him to the tech desk downstairs. That always happens to me.

I'm officially a junior now!! Scary thought..I'm incredibly excited for next year though. When I think about the future, I skip over the summer/Wildwood..............even though I'm excited for that too. Just not incredibly excited.

Patrick, Dan, Chris, AND Jon are coming to UMass next year :)))) Also I am rooming with Michelle and Tiff again, and Shuyue Christy and Julie are living next door. PARRRRTY in 218! Especially since we're next to the stairs and Dorothy's roommate won't bang on our shared wall anymore.

We are all broken, weak, and fallible.

Yeah and its over before you know it,
It all goes by so fast
Yeah the bad nights take forever
And the good nights don’t ever seem to last.

— Tom Petty

Sometimes I make the mistake of thinking I'm happy at college, and then someone hurts me so bad that I can't stand being here.

I don't make your day the way you make mine. It is sad that I will give up shower time to talk to you, that I would give up studying abroad to be here. SAD I TELL YOU.

The past two nights, the girls next door have watched Pocahontas. Normally I'm pretty annoyed when I have to go to bed listening to movie sounds, but since it is Disney songs it is ok :)

Now that I have dropped two of my accounting classes, I never want to go back. Please God let me fall in love with environmental design...otherwise I will have no major.

What am I doing with my life? I wish I didn't have to trade off responsibilities toward school with having fun.

I'm thinking about switching majors from accounting to environmental design. Actually. I am almost 100% sure I'm gonna do it, except that I haven't even taken any enviro design classes yet. My friend told me yesterday that I should really consider dropping accounting, I guess because I keep talking about what I would do if I weren't a business major. So today I dropped two of my fall 2010 accounting classes and added design classes instead. Maybe that was a dumb move. OH WELL. The thought of no more accounting or recruiters makes me incredibly happy.

I think I have anger management problems. I don't blow up, but internalizing might be just as bad.

“Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren’t.”

—	Margret Thatcher

I just want someone who loves me more than I can love myself.

Probably not that hard to find right now.

Sometimes I just feel fat and inadequate.

rewritten

Sometimes I sit back, think, and it feels like my life as I know it is falling apart. Luckily, D's life is falling apart in the exact same way so. At least I have someone to empathize with.

Just kidding, I have no idea whether he thinks his life is falling apart too.

Just kidding, my life is definitely not falling apart. I might be getting promoted. I'm still in school. I'm not pregnant. I'm not an alcoholic. I eat more than enough at dc everyday. I just need to put things back into perspective and realize how excellent my life really is.

I am definitely changing a lot though. There is something I am considering doing that I would NOT have considered even at the beginning of this semester. Strange how people and circumstances can become so different in such a short amount of time.

How can I date or even contemplate liking someone when I know that I can't? Maybe I could be a good girlfriend, one who isn't jealous or paranoid, but I know for sure that it would take away and distract from my already not so strong relationship with God. It is not ok that I can spend so much time and energy thinking and stressing about this boy when I struggle with reading even two chapters in the Bible a day, or when I fall asleep not even halfway during my nightly prayers. We are not dating. And I doubt we ever will. This is the real reason I need to stop listening to We Belong Together. Because we DON'T. God must come first.

On a happier note..my brother is going to college! He's going to visit in two weekends. So proud of him! He has come a long way from wanting to graduate high school and then just forming a band. Well he still wants to form a band..but he has realized that getting a degree in business would probably be helpful. Also, five of the senior guys from my home church are coming to visit and go to open house this Friday. One is coming because he wants to skip school...but the other four are coming because they might actually go to school here!!! Yayyy :) Super excited.

As much as I would like a significant other..it's hard to imagine someone loving me considering how flawed I am, what kind of a girlfriend I would/could be. If he knew how manipulative I sometimes am, how sinful, he would not love me. This is why I am drawn to f-ed up boys. Although in reality I really would rather date someone who is better than me, who can teach me, watch out for me, protect me.

He (the unknown one in the future) will make me a better person. But right now I am not sure I know anyone I want to be better for.

Sometimes I think about what it would be like to have cancer. I think about who would be there for me, who would tell me they love me, who would visit and buy me cake and talk to me while I'm lying there.

Stupid. Cancer is nothing to dream about. My grandpa was diagnosed with lung cancer and died within three weeks. I don't know how my brain does this.

I don't believe in the one. The same way I don't believe that I'm destined to be a doctor, and that if I don't become a doctor my life is ruined and God's plan won't work. There are people I'm more compatible with and people that I don't like so much, but all I gotta do is find someone I like more than I like most people and work at it until it works

But. It would be SO. NICE. if there was a one. Or if God could just point him out to me right now so I wouldn't have to go through all of this.

All in God's plan.

As if you could kill time without injuring eternity

- Henry Thoreau


The past four days went the way I always imagined college would - beautiful weather, lying in the quad with friends, cheering for performances, eating, watching movies, getting enough sleep (except ideally I would have done some homework too..)


So far college has never lived up to the expectations I had in high school. I always felt neglected freshman year but hopefully it will get better and better as each semester passes. Until I am finally a senior and  reluctant to leave for the real world.

The longer I wait for the future, the shorter it will be.

If I wasn't such a jealous person I could be a better friend.

Can you lose your place in heaven?

Something I've been struggling with is where this personal relationship stuff with God comes in. Maybe this is a stupid question but..I thought you were saved when you believe that Jesus died for your sins and that repentance is the only way toward heaven and redemption. And then you actually repent. That's what makes Christians different from demons; even demons know that Jesus died on the cross, but they don't repent for what they've done. So..I understand the striving to become a better person, because that's becoming more like God since we were made in his image. People say, write, and I read that without a personal relationship with God, there is no spot in heaven for you. But...I don't understand. I DO believe that Jesus died for my sins and that I have to repent. So where does this relationship stuff factor in? Is it like...another step on the way toward going to heaven? Or is it not enough to simply believe and repent, you have to do all these other things too? But isn't that doing works to get into heaven? Can someone explain this to me. Or tell me where I can read and find out more. TY.

Lent

So I broke my shopping ban today and yeah I feel pretty guilty about it. First of all it was a lot of money for only one item...and then someone reminded me that it was Holy Week this week. And that even though I got free shipping and free returns........Jesus' gift was free too. And that is so much more valuable than getting 10 dollars off for shipping.

I feel lame.

.............

I've been thinking a lot of things lately, and retreat really confirmed all of these thoughts, that they are biblical and true. So some things that I need to transform are:

1. How I interact with people. Making friends is a long process for me and it shouldn't be that way. Although it is slightly easier with people younger than I am (sometimes I think this stems from the guilt I feel for not being a better big sister to my siblings, especially my brother, when I was younger. Is this why I get along better with younger guys? No idea. Maybe). I'd also like to form more lasting relationships with people in my accounting classes, since I have a total of one non-Christian friend.

2. How willing I am to make mistakes. This is why I don't talk a lot. I can't say anything wrong if I don't say anything at all. But being willing to make mistakes and be vulnerable is how you make friends.

3. Remembering that hospitality is not just inviting a stranger to your home (ie. to eat dinner at dc, or to church), it's inviting a stranger into your life and your heart. This is something I can't even do with many of my friends here so this is a biggie!

Actually all of those were pretty related. Maybe they didn't need to be numbered...

All of these things I am writing on this blog are things I should be able to tell people in person so. My goal this year is to write on this blog less and talk to real people more.

If only we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time. 

-Edith Wharton

still I see no changes, can't a brother (sister) get a little peace,

It's war on the streets & the war in the Middle East...

A lot of things have been on my mind lately, and there are so many things I want to change about my life. I can feel myself deteriorating as we speak. So one change I have made is...8 minute ab workout every night!! Well it is only the second day, but since my roommates are also doing it, we can be accountable hehe. And I think it is true, exercise really does make you happier.

can't stand your picture on my wall

I'm finally able to admit that we are no longer friends.

Although our friendship barely lasted a week.

So were we ever really friends at all?

I tried making mint cupcakes today, which turned out to be the worst-tasting food I've ever made. Normally if this was in the privacy of my own kitchen I would not mind..but other people were here. And no one in my family wanted to eat them, so my sister brought them to church to feed them to unknowing people (because Dan insisted on being taste-tester....not my fault). Not a big deal right? So why is this feeling of failure the most intense feeling I've had in a while?

I hate failing. I hate saying the wrong thing in front of people, so much so that conversations become these little mini-tests for me - I made her laugh? That was successful then, that was a good time. Awkward silences? I gotta think up more things to say next time.

My life. So, so sad.

What would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?

So. Many. Things.

The longer you wait for the future, the shorter it will be

I woke up this morning and the chimney was leaking. Yesterday I broke my second umbrella this month. My dad told me to just buy a rain jacket. So now I am jacket-hunting..is that breaking my no shopping during Lent except for necessities? I don't know. But I hate getting wet.

Not that I'm complaining...

but I don't like being responsible for money. People care a lot when you have the potential to screw up their tax refunds and deductibles. I'm sorry!! This is not my fault! I'm just a college student..not a CPA or Turbotax, sorry :(

Why is Justin Bieber always a trending topic on twitter?

Seriously, who twits about him THAT often? Not me.

Don't worry I know it's tweets not twits.

In elementary and junior high school, my favorite book was Bloomability, by Sharon Creech. Dinnie, the main character, lived a very nomadic life with her parents until her aunt and uncle whisked her away to boarding school in Italy. I guess I always wanted that to happen to me. Anyway there is this part about struggling, how she doesn't view life as a burden and always wants to be a struggler.

That just popped up in my head today. Life is just so..hard sometimes. I never know what to do or what I want anymore. But I'm going to be a CHAMPION struggler.

“Look at life through the windshield, not the rear-view mirror.”

—	Byrd Baggett

curses!

Those silly Disney movies, telling me I need a boy to be happy. Lies!!! But lies that I believe.

I'm learning to breathe, I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that You and You alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies 
Switchfoot - Learning to Breathe

This week has been weird. I realized I don't need this boy to be happy. I've been putting too much hope/thought/whatever into a relationship that really won't go much farther than where it is now. It's because both my roommates have boyfriends and I want one too!! But wanting for the sake of having is stupid.

I don't feel the need to be online and signed into everything constantly. I rarely keep conversations going anyway, except with Dave, so there's no point in staying logged on. This frees up so much time for other things...like homework.

I want an ipod touch.

All of this stuff keeps happening (or not happening..) and I know I'm supposed to "trust" God, but how do I do that? What does that even mean? And how is it any different from optimistic atheists or good people who believe in karma?

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”
-Dr. Suess

Officially declined from my final accounting thing. Kind of depressed but..at least now I don't have to worry about interviews.

this might not be my week but i'm gonna make it my year

It doesn't make sense to be angry about what's already happened. I just have to accept that this is God's plan for me, it's different from what I had imagined, and I need to trust Him and move on. I need to stop dwelling on people and things that make me unhappy (especially people!!) and learn how to have fun.

I'm not working at camp this summer. Over spring break I'm going to apply for jobs at the mall or in town, and if those don't work out then I'm going to try to volunteer for Habitat for Humanity every day. And I think I'll apply to their overseas programs. But first I have to ask my mom. And if I do volunteer for Habitat, I need to work out more. Guess who's going to the gym more often?!? Hehe. More often means once a week..and. Probably only because Mike and Kevin can give me a ride there in the mornings >:)

judged, again

Declined from another interview today :(

WHY??! Whenever I talk to the career center people, or a recruiter sees my resume, they always go ooo impressive gpa, good extracurriculars, blahblahablhaahadsf excellent but what is the point of building me up when they'll just tear me back down?

I don't understand where God is taking me and it is really hard to trust right now. But maybe because I don't trust in him when it comes to schoolwork in the first place, only myself.

camp or no camp

Camp pros:
Guaranteed a job right now.
They all date very indiscriminately there. Easy to find a boyfriend who is hot, tall, blond, and jacked (basically every guy there).
Working food service. Maybe I'll learn to cook.

Camp cons:
They all date very indiscriminately there.
Working food service. Early shifts and long hours.
Sub-par shower and bathroom facilities for staff.
Don't think I'd grow much spiritually.
Little pay, and I'd have to raise support.
I don't know anyone, and they've all been friends since elementary school.

There are way more cons than pros, but I think Guaranteed a Job Right Now probably counts as like, 5 pros.

decisions decisions

I applied for four accounting things and I've already been rejected from two of them. Today I checked my mailbox and I got an offer to work at camp in food service. The thing is..I don't even remember putting down food service as a choice. It was nursery, precampers, wait staff, or food prep. I am SURE. Also..I didn't know they were mailing it to my dorm so I haven't checked my box for like, three weeks, and now I only have four days to decide if I wanna work there over the summer. Actually. Two. Because it takes two days to mail in the contract.

Now that I have to decide..I don't really want to work there. Maybe at anthro again! Or maybe urban. But I can't because they only accept applications in store, I'm not going home until March, and I really can't decline the camp offer unless I have something else definite.

God has been showing me stuff lately. I can't verbalize or identify it yet. But I know it is important.

I want to be less solitary but I don't know how. I've never been the kind of girl with a lot of other girl friends - most of my friends are guys. I don't even talk to any girls on a consistent basis except for Debbie..but then again we only talk about school.

For Lent I am giving up online shopping and adding read the Bible every day (including Sundays!! I never read on Sundays). And being less solitary, but that is more of a general life goal.

this is not my month

I didn't even get an interview. I've never been rejected before even having an INTERVIEW. Job and internship applications are soo much more stressful than college, because with college apps they really couldn't judge me as a person. So it's not personal. But with all these internships, I've met many of these recruiters multiple times. And at all of these meetings, they always say that accounting is a commodity market - all of the firms do the same thing, but it's the people who make the companies different. So they are judging me. And it hurts.

I'm not the person you call when you're bored and want to have fun, but the weird thing is that I used to be. Dan used to ask me when our next party was almost every week. And now that I am in college, I sit in my room all day and watch old episodes of Lost.

time to go home.

I have weekends like this every month, where I just get really sad and all I want to do is go home. Even after three semesters here I don't fit in, and I don't know how. I have friends, but they're geographically close, here, not emotionally close. It feels like I'm their friend because I'm here, I'm convenient, but when we graduate we'll all move on and we won't matter to each other anymore. I miss my friends at home, I miss my sister and Dave and Ange and Dan and Patrick and Spencer.

I always believed that my life would begin when I finally got married, but there is a long way until then. But if I can't make friends..then how will I get married?! Sad.

This is one of those things where I should just depend on God right? This is a lesson about the futility of man and how hopeless it is to rely on other people, how God is the only one who is always there. But I don't know how to go deeper with this relationship with him, which is what accountability and mentoring is for, which I don't have. Stupid cycle.

You're holding out for something big to happen
All you really need are my arms to be wrapped in
You know that, but you refuse to admit that I am the only one that you're lacking
What happened to the passion? You're lazy
Letting all the stupid things drive you crazy
I told you, I am everything you're ever gonna need
So please let go of it all,
You see the pain that I felt for you then?
The gift you received with your every single "amen?
It's been a few days, months, or years since the last time I took away your tears, your fears
I miss you...well did you know that?
I paid the price so you never gotta look back
All I want is to love and be loved in return.

It took forever deciding which shower to use today. Two of them had used (!) tampons in them so they were obviously no gos. The other two were eh. But finally I decided on the cleaner one with the shower curtain that is too small.

I finally put up pictures on my wall! After I stood up from my desk I realized they were crooked but I guess I'll fix them later. I need better pictures of my home friends! I don't have any with them.

Sundays have been really great recently. I wonder how the glory and magnificence of God can be so overwhelming during service, but when I'm at home reading the Bible or listening at small group I don't see it or even think about it. There is only one possible explanation.

I AM A SUNDAY CHRISTIAN.

Realizing that is so strange for me. I thought I had grown past that stage back in junior high, or maybe early high school. Maybe I've been growing even slower than I thought. Maybe all of those changes I've been through are just personal goals that I've met, things that would have happened even if I didn't believe in living for a higher power.

Things in the past, things yet unseen 
Wishes and dreams that are yet to come true
All of my hopes, all of my plans
My heart and my hands are lifted to You.

This is my goal, to give everything I have and am.

Today is one of those days where all I can feel is fat and inadequate. People keep telling me, oh I would never have guessed you gained 5 pounds this year, you look the same, I can't tell at all! Maybe other people can't tell but I certainly can. I KNOW I'm not overweight, but I'd like to be the weight I was before starting college, aka 5 pounds lighter.

Everyone here has their best friends, except me.

I applied for this summer internship, I really hope I get the position in Dallas so I can just be away from home and college this summer.

an excellent day!!

Bought post-its and a clicky eraser, finished my cover letter, went to job training, dropped my Chinese class, got into the sustainable living class with JESS, watched Kaba Modern liiiive, had a burrito for dinner, omg. Thank you God for the best day ever!! Exaggeration but today really was quite excellent.

First Day of School!

The weather is really gross, but school was not that bad :) I only spent 50 minutes inside classrooms today because we got let out early. And I made two sales on ebay! I am 25 dollars richer. No one is buying my $100 textbook though. Sad.

Okay this happiness meme project is fail.

Happiness Meme Days 7 - 9

I watched The Proposal and Inglorious Basterds with my siblings. I went food shopping with my mom and finally got my scrapbook! And the pictures for it finallyyy came in the mail :)

Happiness Meme Day 6

Babies :)

Happiness Meme Day 5

The library is so WARM compared to my house. I have to spend less time on the computer and more time outside my room.

Happiness Meme Day 4

I was really depressed all of break because I am super poor right now, but today I remembered that I can sell my old textbooks. So if I can get rid of all of them that is about $250 which should be enough to last me the semester.

Happiness Meme 3

Today I bought a corner craft punch!! On sale! It makes corners of papers and photos round. Excitement!! :))

Happiness Meme 2

My dentist didn't tell me I needed to floss or wear my retainer more. Although I suspect that is because he was in a rush..I never floss or wear my retainer.

Happiness Meme 1.2

Sarah sent this to me and it is too great.

Happiness Meme

A blogger I follow on tumblr does this project where for 365 days, she writes about something that made her happy that day, no matter how big or small.

There are those days where I hate everything, but really, God has blessed my life so many wonderful people and things, and I want to be able to look back and remember and be thankful.

So...Day 1!

I got a free trial on Netflix and I can spend the rest of my vacation watching movies and shows online :) Mundane, but I'm easy to please.

Resolutions 2

This is kind of short-term but I want to start my scrapbook and complete most of it this winter break, as in put in everything that has happened up until now, from sixth grade on. I ordered 75 free prints from shutterfly today so I am on my way! I'm too poor for a real scrapbook though, so I'm using a random journal. Hopefully everything fits in it. Yayy.

Resolutions

1. Learn how to say no. Don't be a tool.

2. Eat less instead of pigging out.